It's been a long time.....

How's it going? I've been feeling low these past few days. I don't understand. I was feeling a lot better few weeks ago. now I'm feeling sad again. it's still the same fucking thing again. I miss being in love. I want to be attracted to a guy. i wanna kiss his lips and make out for hours. i want him to touch gently and fuck me with so much love. 

yeah yeah yeah i know being in relationship isn't the answer. but i can't help it. it's so fucking hard to fight this feeling. i wanna be like seneca or other philosophers who live alone but still happy. i need some help.

 I've been listening to people my whole life. I'm afraid of the future.  I want to have good relationship with everyone so they can help me when i need them in the future. Smart strategy, but it often results in toxic relationship. I force myself to be friends with people that i don't like just because I don't think I'm strong enough to fight on my own. Sometimes i forget what real friendship is like because i take too much bullshit from everyone.

I've just realized this now. I've spent 26 years of my life trying to fit in. People say that you're successful when you have a good job that pays for all your daily needs, so I decided to get a job that most people desire, a public service. I was delighted. My workplace is in remote village without internet and electricity. Then, people comment that it's good that i've become a public service but I shouldn't have applied for a job in remote village. I have a master's degree so i should have worked in big city. The happiness that i feel for becoming a public service disappears. I feel like a failure because people think that I am. I get jealous when i see people work in big cities. i feel so insecure that i avoid mentioning that i have master's degree. I hate my life because i'm not successful.

I opened reddit and I realized that there are things that i have to achieve to be successful. I have to get married and have kids. Then the kids must grow up to be successful adults so people can see that I am a successful parent. This stresses me out. I've never been in a real relationship. I'm afraid that i won't get married and people will think i'm a failure. I hate my life and i wanna die.

I always care about what people think of me. I never really care about me. I never appreciate what i already achieved. I treat myself like shit because i can't fulfill the society's expectations of me. who's the society? they are a bunch of people who don't know me and don't give a shit about my struggle. why do i listen to them? why do i let them control me? who are they to tell me how to live my life? 

                                                                     

                                                            FREEDOM

I want to be free. I don't want to keep listening to them. I want to break free from their control. I've made a decision. I won't run away anymore. Loneliness is something that i'm always afraid of because people tell me that if i don't get married, i'll become miserable and lonely. I'm going to face the loneliness. i'm gonna stare it in the eyes and fight it. I'm gonna live by myself. my only priority is make myself happy. this is the only way i can break free from their control. I don't need anyone to feel complete. I'm already complete. I'm already enough.

 I regret choices that i made.

I wanna teach in university. it's always been my dream. but chose a life time job as a junior high school teacher instead. 

I wanna live in a big city. but i'm here stuck in a small boring town.

I wanna live alone far away from my parents but i'm here living six feet away from them.

I should have killed myself last year but i stayed for some guy i met on the internet who eventually hurts me. 

Hi everyone...it's been few weeks since my last post. Last month i told Steven about all my feelings. I told him how disappointed i was when he stopped texting me. I know it wasn't a good time because his gf has just dumped his ass but i couldn't take it anymore. I needed to tell him in order to move on. He was so angry and told me leave him alone. We agreed not to talk to each other anymore. I felt great sense of relief. It felt like a heavy burden lifted off my shoulders. He became less and less important to me since then. i still check his profile on reddit once or twice in two weeks but I don't have any feelings towards him anymore. He can go fuck himself. 

I have two online friends now. Gee and Eric. my friendship with Gee is healthy and pure. He only think of me as his bsf and so do i. Gee is kind and patient. Too bad his gf sucks. he told her about his depression and she accussed him of being an attention seeker. what a bitch. Gee deserves so much better. 

Eric is a sweet guy. I think i'm the first girl that gives him so much attention. He texts me everyday cuz he is lonely. I wish he knew how smart and sweet he is. He just need to have more confidence. Few days ago i checked his profile and found a post about me. he asked people for advice because he thinks that he has feelings for me. Tbh, this is what i'm afraid of. somehow i feel like this is my fault. let's just hope that he meets a girl irl and forget his feelings towards me.

I'm turning 27 this year and i'm still single. loveless. I'm just empty shell of a woman.

 I am ready to let go all my feelings . I think about my relationship with him. Everything that we did and didn't do for each other . I appreciate his effort to help me and I am proud of myself for keeping him company. I mean I really tried so hard to be his friend while fighting my own demon. 

After everything that happened, i come to a conclusion that he doesn't love me as much as i thought he did. i don't believe that you can forget someone that you love only in one and a half weeks hanging out with another girl. Love is only chemicals in your brain but it doesn't go that easily if it's real. And his saying that the girl is the nicest one he met will forever be a scar in my heart. He confirmed my insecurity of not being good enough.

I am forever thankful for the friendship. I wish it could last longer than five months but it seems like it's not possible. Whatever we had is already gone. I do wish my heart was stronger enough to fix the broken friendship tho.

I am ready to let everything go.

 I still talk to Steven. It's only small talks. You know just "hey, how are you? I am okay, thanks" kind of conversation. I don't talk to him everyday. Maybe just twice or three times a week. He uploaded a video of him and his girlfriend. They were laughing and cuddling. The video was black and white but looked colorful to me. It's like watching a movie that I can't relate to. All my life I never cuddled with someone. and their laugh...it was full of love. At that moment i realized that they live in a very different world from mine. 

I also realized that my rejection was a blessing for him. If i had not rejected him, he wouldn't date her. He wouldn't be happy like he is now. He wouldn't have the chance to laugh or cuddle. Once again, I was right about everything. I think i have done the right thing but why am i so unhappy? It's getting harder to breathe. I feel like i am getting closer to the edge. 

I don't want to exist anymore. I will def leave this world.

Steven texted me yesterday. It took me by surprise. I thought he would never texted me again. I asked him why he didn't checked up on me in two weeks. He said he wanted to see whether I would leave him or not. He missed me and wanted to make me happy. I asked him how he would do that because he already loved someone else. Then he said he could make me happy as a friend. That sounded ridiculous so I only answered okay in which he replied with :/ 

I ended the conversation there.

I told you that i wanted him to check up on me but when he did, all the pain came back. It turns out talking to him makes me feel worse. I was getting better now I am broken again. I have been feeling upset since yesterday. 

Angry and sad. I hate everything. 

I wish I could disappear.

                                                                    Questions for myself

I want to know myself better. I want to love and appreciate me. I want to find my lost self. I hope I find me in this journey.

1. What's been bugging you?

My internet friend, Steven, ditched me for his girlfriend and stopped texting me. 

2. Why is it bugging you?

Because we were friends for five months. I always listened to him and even did sexting. He knew that I am lonely and suicidal. He knew I had feelings for him. so how come he ditched me like that?? I get it that he loves his girlfriend more than me but at least, he should have checked up on me. Just as a friend. 

3. Why does his not checking up on you bug you so much? You have other friends that do not check up on you but you're okay with that.

Steven is special. He made me feel loved and needed. He showered me with compliments. He was compassionate. Without him, I feel unworthy and unloved.

4. Why does Steven's checking up on you make you feel worthy?

Because it shows that he cares about me and wants me. I only feel worthy if someone wants me.

My value    :

I only feel worthy if someone wants me.

My metric    :

Being checked up through texts. 

Perhaps I am already worthy without everyone wanting me and checking up on me. I shouldn't measure my worthiness based on Steven's checking me up through texts. That's completely ridiculous. I am valuable by default even though people like Steven treats me badly. I am worthy by default.

                                                                         Steven is Not the Answer

I read a very good self-guide book "The Art of Not Giving a Fuck. It enlightened me. It opened my eyes to what's really going on with me. I've always been giving to many fucks to everything. I fought so hard to get good grades since I was in middle school. Not because I enjoyed learning but because I wanted people to looked up to me. I thought I was not worthy if I didn't become number one. I focused so much in studying, I did not really hang out with my friends. I looked around and saw most my friends had boyfriends. I was lonely. I met guys from internet and rushed everything so I could date them. Why did I do that? I didn't even like them. Because I wanted to feel worthy. I wanted to feel good enough to love and be loved. 

I also did it with Steven. Steven was kind to me. He said things that no men ever said to me. But do I really love Steven? well, I do like his physical features. A tall, fair-skinned Canadian. I love more how he ,made me feel loved and needed. All this time, I was only seeking validation from him. You see, I have been feeling unworthy. Steven's telling me he loved me made me feel worthy.  

For the last two months, our conversation was awkward. He didn't text me as often as he used to. I put a lot effort to reach out almost everyday. I saw the signs but still tried hard to show him that I love him. It's like I held a sign "Please love me" so he didn't leave me. But he did. It took him only two weeks to fall in love with another girl and left me. He didn't check up on me anymore. He didn't care whether I am dead or alive. 

Five months of flirting and sexting go to waste. 

I was in a lot of pain. Him leaving made me feel unworthy again but it also showed who he really is. He was not serious about me, probably toyed with my feelings. I knew this but I also didn't care because I was only seeking for validation. I always needed people to prove that I was worthy. 

That is wrong.

Only I know my worthiness. because I am the one who lives with myself the longest. Only I can prove my worthiness because I know myself the most. Not my parents. Not Steven.

This is my realization after reading the book. I will heal me by knowing me. I won't rush anything. I want to change for the better.

                                                         Six days of no contact

I didn't text Steven for six days and he didn't text me either. I deleted my instagram that he followed. I also hide my whatsapp stories from him. I won't reach out to him anytime soon. It's suffocating, honestly. There's part of me that miss him so bad. I know I love him. I want him. But I must protect myself at all cost. I am lonely, depressed and anxious but under no circumstances i beg for love. 

HE left me. HE knew i am suicidal but still doesn't give a fuck. HE showed me how much he doesn't love me. HE showed me that I don't matter to him at all. I became nothing to him the second he locked eyes with that girl.

And i have every right to be angry. He told me that i am special when i am not. He led me on for months and i just let it happen. 

Fuck you Steven

Fuck everything

                                                             Hope Breeds Eternal Misery

It's over. Me and Steven. It's officially over. He texted me two days ago. He told me he found a girl who can make him happy. They met in early January and fell in love with each other ever since. He said that she was the nicest girl he ever met. well that explains everything. He rarely texted me this month. He spent all his time texting that girl. 

I can't put into words the pain I am feeling. Sadness, emptiness, anger...... I have never been feeling this intense pain since I left Jogja. I saw this coming. When he said that i was special and he loved me romantically, I knew that wasn't real. He didn't love me, he's just confused about his own feelings. That's why i told him i want to love him as a friend. I tried to control my own feeling because i love him so much but I failed. i had a hope that i was wrong and Steven was really in love with me.

But I was right. I was right about everything. He didn't love me. He locked eyes with this new girl and forget about me. if he really did love me, He would not feel anything towards this girl. If he did love me, he would text me as much as he used to. 

I am not mad at Steven. He did what i wanted, which is choosing someone better. I realize that I don't have much to offer. This girl must be pretty, fun to hang out with and more importantly, not depressed. who likes a whiny bitch? I am mad that it always happens to me. Getting closer with someone then being left alone. 

In our last text, He told me to have faith that i will find my love.  How can I believe in love if he, My only love, leaves me alone? I was broken. He made me feel loved and special then he left me. Now I am more broken that i was before I met him. I don't hate Steven but I am afraid to fall in love again. The pain is unbearable. 

I still miss him so much. I check my phone every time it rings only to find out that he doesn't text me. He doesn't care about me anymore. He doesn't care if I am dead or alive. I won't text him because I don't want to bother him. and i want him to want to text me.

I bet he's texting that girl now, showering her with compliments and telling her how special she is.

My life doesn't get better. 

Steven is like the sign from the universe that I will never be happy.

I really regret being alive

None of this would happen if I had killed myself last September.

I can't get hurt if I am dead, right?

 Back to square one....

Why is life like this? 

I got some new friends, fell in love with a guy, and made promises we couldn't keep. Then things didn't work. A guy who was once more than a friend slowly becomes an acquaintance. No flirting or deep conversation anymore, only small talks. He rarely texts me first, I always do. I can't ask him to put more effort because I am only an internet friend, a temporary sexting buddy. My heart aches every time i think of him. 

I knew this is going to happen. but i still let myself fall anyway. 

people say there's light in the end of the tunnel but i can't see it. I don't think it exists. I want to disappear.

 Hi everyone....

I hope you are doing okay. I am not okay right now. I got unlucky in love again. I think Steven forgets me. well, he still remembers that i exist but slowly forgets his feeling for me. weeks ago, he was so into me. we flirted all the time. now, we don't do that anymore. i stopped texting him for three days. I wanted to know if he would text me and ask how i am doing. he didn't. Then i posted something in Indonesian to see his reaction. I knew he would text me and he did. he asked me what the post meant but didn't say he missed me like he used to. 

we chat for a while the he said that he would be okay if i dated someone else. weeks ago he told me to save my virginity for him but now he let me go. He moves on and soon will forget about me. what makes him change? maybe he has found someone else. maybe he still wants Kailey. 

I just want someone to love me.....

I wanna be special for someone....

😔😔😔

 Hi.....

I told Steven that I would move to a village in the countryside which has no electricity and internet connection. I told him that I can only contacted him during school holidays when i am back in town. I also mentioned my failed suicide attempt last night. He is worried about me. He doesn't want me to live there alone. There is nothing i can do about it. I was having a depression episode when i applied for the teaching job. I just wanted to cut all contacts with everyone i know. Maybe there also was a part of me that wanted a suitable place for suicide. An isolated village seemed like a perfect place.

That was before i met Steven. I am not gonna lie, Steven brings changes to my world. His texts always make me smile. I can forget about my problems and just think about him for days. I can imagine how happy I'll be if he is really here. Maybe if he is mine, i can have a little hope for the future. Maybe i actually want to live. The reality slaps me hard. Steven IS NOT here. He IS NOT mine and will never be mine. The reality is I am alone. I have to fight all the voices inside my head alone. 

I know what Steven wants from me. He wants me to declare my undying love for him and promise to stay by his side forever. Believe me, I want to do that. I want to say I love him and will never cheat on him. but I can't do that because he is not mine. I don't want to trap him into a relationship that has no future. I always know that i am not the one for him. He deserves better.

I am tired of fighting the monster inside me. I am tired of hearing those voices. 

I just want to love and be loved. 

I want to do things that a couple does. but it's not gonna happen to me.

I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.

 Hey, how's everyone doing? 

It's the second day of 2021, i hope everything's going well for you. I am still the same person. I'm depressed and suicidal. There are times that I slit my wrist and try to hang myself. But there are also times that i feel happy. Two incredible things that happen to me in 2020 is getting my master's degree and meeting Steven. 

I met Steven on reddit. I posted a pathetic story of my depression in Suicide Watch and he reached out to me. He sent me a long text about reasons i shouldn't kill myself. he said things like life is good, there's hope, bla bla bla. Those words meant nothing to me but i was grateful that a stranger cares about me. I thanked him and leave the conversation. Few days later, he sent me a dm asking for my condition. I was kinda surprised that he checks on me. Most people only reached out to me once and never showed up again. He was different. We started texting each other more frequently. I opened up to him about my fear and insecurities. I told him things i can never tell my friends and family. I was happy that he did the same.

After weeks of texting, I found myself attracted to him. He is sweet, caring and understanding. He knows that i am broken but still sticks around. He has what i look for in a man. My feelings for him were getting stronger. I was scared that I fell for him. I hated myself for having these feelings. It's so ridiculous and stupid. How come i fell for a guy i never met? He was so far away from me. He is in El Savador and I am in Indonesia. There's no way we could meet each other. 

I stopped replying to his texts on reddit. He was confused and worried about me. I was sure he's gonna forget about me after two days and moved on with his life. But apparently he didn't. He kept sending me texts for days. I could feel that he was desperate and genuinely worried about me. I felt really guilty for making him sad and eventually replied to his text. I apologized for being so selfish. At that time, I didn't tell him that I started to fell for him. I didn't want him to think of me as a weird lonely girl who falls in love with a stranger on the internet. He asked for my Whatsapp number and I gave it to him. We have been texting almost everyday since then.

I love Steven. I don't want to be his friend or fwb. I want to be his girlfriend. I want to kiss him, hug him and give him my virginity. It kills me to know that we will never be real couple. We will never meet each other. Even if we do, I don't think he will be interested in me. I am awkward and can't keep conversation going. I am not funny or charming. Besides, he is 6 years younger than me. He is gonna find someone who is of the same age and 2 times better than me. Sometimes i think the whole situation is funny. I have been in this type of relationships several times in middle school and high school. I fell for guys i never met and got hurt. I know that my relationship with Steven will hurt me eventually but I still let myself fall for him anyway. yeah, I am that stupid. Just like a donkey that falls into the same hole twice. 

If god really exists, I  am sure he/she curses my love life. Maybe i killed somebody or stole someone's spouse in my past life, so god punishes me with loneliness in this life. I can imagine myself being old and alone while Steven gets married with a beautiful girl and lives happily ever after. 

It hurts...It hurts so much. 

I am actually feeling a physical pain in my chest right now. It's getting harder for me to breath. Can depression cause a physical pain? will I die from the pain?

oh I wish could die. I wish I could disappear right now. I won't feel any heartbreaks if I am dead. No more loneliness, no more suffering. I want to be free. Honestly, the only thing i can think right now is hanging myself with the strap of my purse. .