Steven is Not the Answer

I read a very good self-guide book "The Art of Not Giving a Fuck. It enlightened me. It opened my eyes to what's really going on with me. I've always been giving to many fucks to everything. I fought so hard to get good grades since I was in middle school. Not because I enjoyed learning but because I wanted people to looked up to me. I thought I was not worthy if I didn't become number one. I focused so much in studying, I did not really hang out with my friends. I looked around and saw most my friends had boyfriends. I was lonely. I met guys from internet and rushed everything so I could date them. Why did I do that? I didn't even like them. Because I wanted to feel worthy. I wanted to feel good enough to love and be loved. 

I also did it with Steven. Steven was kind to me. He said things that no men ever said to me. But do I really love Steven? well, I do like his physical features. A tall, fair-skinned Canadian. I love more how he ,made me feel loved and needed. All this time, I was only seeking validation from him. You see, I have been feeling unworthy. Steven's telling me he loved me made me feel worthy.  

For the last two months, our conversation was awkward. He didn't text me as often as he used to. I put a lot effort to reach out almost everyday. I saw the signs but still tried hard to show him that I love him. It's like I held a sign "Please love me" so he didn't leave me. But he did. It took him only two weeks to fall in love with another girl and left me. He didn't check up on me anymore. He didn't care whether I am dead or alive. 

Five months of flirting and sexting go to waste. 

I was in a lot of pain. Him leaving made me feel unworthy again but it also showed who he really is. He was not serious about me, probably toyed with my feelings. I knew this but I also didn't care because I was only seeking for validation. I always needed people to prove that I was worthy. 

That is wrong.

Only I know my worthiness. because I am the one who lives with myself the longest. Only I can prove my worthiness because I know myself the most. Not my parents. Not Steven.

This is my realization after reading the book. I will heal me by knowing me. I won't rush anything. I want to change for the better.