Hey, how's everyone doing? 

It's the second day of 2021, i hope everything's going well for you. I am still the same person. I'm depressed and suicidal. There are times that I slit my wrist and try to hang myself. But there are also times that i feel happy. Two incredible things that happen to me in 2020 is getting my master's degree and meeting Steven. 

I met Steven on reddit. I posted a pathetic story of my depression in Suicide Watch and he reached out to me. He sent me a long text about reasons i shouldn't kill myself. he said things like life is good, there's hope, bla bla bla. Those words meant nothing to me but i was grateful that a stranger cares about me. I thanked him and leave the conversation. Few days later, he sent me a dm asking for my condition. I was kinda surprised that he checks on me. Most people only reached out to me once and never showed up again. He was different. We started texting each other more frequently. I opened up to him about my fear and insecurities. I told him things i can never tell my friends and family. I was happy that he did the same.

After weeks of texting, I found myself attracted to him. He is sweet, caring and understanding. He knows that i am broken but still sticks around. He has what i look for in a man. My feelings for him were getting stronger. I was scared that I fell for him. I hated myself for having these feelings. It's so ridiculous and stupid. How come i fell for a guy i never met? He was so far away from me. He is in El Savador and I am in Indonesia. There's no way we could meet each other. 

I stopped replying to his texts on reddit. He was confused and worried about me. I was sure he's gonna forget about me after two days and moved on with his life. But apparently he didn't. He kept sending me texts for days. I could feel that he was desperate and genuinely worried about me. I felt really guilty for making him sad and eventually replied to his text. I apologized for being so selfish. At that time, I didn't tell him that I started to fell for him. I didn't want him to think of me as a weird lonely girl who falls in love with a stranger on the internet. He asked for my Whatsapp number and I gave it to him. We have been texting almost everyday since then.

I love Steven. I don't want to be his friend or fwb. I want to be his girlfriend. I want to kiss him, hug him and give him my virginity. It kills me to know that we will never be real couple. We will never meet each other. Even if we do, I don't think he will be interested in me. I am awkward and can't keep conversation going. I am not funny or charming. Besides, he is 6 years younger than me. He is gonna find someone who is of the same age and 2 times better than me. Sometimes i think the whole situation is funny. I have been in this type of relationships several times in middle school and high school. I fell for guys i never met and got hurt. I know that my relationship with Steven will hurt me eventually but I still let myself fall for him anyway. yeah, I am that stupid. Just like a donkey that falls into the same hole twice. 

If god really exists, I  am sure he/she curses my love life. Maybe i killed somebody or stole someone's spouse in my past life, so god punishes me with loneliness in this life. I can imagine myself being old and alone while Steven gets married with a beautiful girl and lives happily ever after. 

It hurts...It hurts so much. 

I am actually feeling a physical pain in my chest right now. It's getting harder for me to breath. Can depression cause a physical pain? will I die from the pain?

oh I wish could die. I wish I could disappear right now. I won't feel any heartbreaks if I am dead. No more loneliness, no more suffering. I want to be free. Honestly, the only thing i can think right now is hanging myself with the strap of my purse. .