Hi.....

I told Steven that I would move to a village in the countryside which has no electricity and internet connection. I told him that I can only contacted him during school holidays when i am back in town. I also mentioned my failed suicide attempt last night. He is worried about me. He doesn't want me to live there alone. There is nothing i can do about it. I was having a depression episode when i applied for the teaching job. I just wanted to cut all contacts with everyone i know. Maybe there also was a part of me that wanted a suitable place for suicide. An isolated village seemed like a perfect place.

That was before i met Steven. I am not gonna lie, Steven brings changes to my world. His texts always make me smile. I can forget about my problems and just think about him for days. I can imagine how happy I'll be if he is really here. Maybe if he is mine, i can have a little hope for the future. Maybe i actually want to live. The reality slaps me hard. Steven IS NOT here. He IS NOT mine and will never be mine. The reality is I am alone. I have to fight all the voices inside my head alone. 

I know what Steven wants from me. He wants me to declare my undying love for him and promise to stay by his side forever. Believe me, I want to do that. I want to say I love him and will never cheat on him. but I can't do that because he is not mine. I don't want to trap him into a relationship that has no future. I always know that i am not the one for him. He deserves better.

I am tired of fighting the monster inside me. I am tired of hearing those voices. 

I just want to love and be loved. 

I want to do things that a couple does. but it's not gonna happen to me.

I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.