Hope Breeds Eternal Misery

It's over. Me and Steven. It's officially over. He texted me two days ago. He told me he found a girl who can make him happy. They met in early January and fell in love with each other ever since. He said that she was the nicest girl he ever met. well that explains everything. He rarely texted me this month. He spent all his time texting that girl. 

I can't put into words the pain I am feeling. Sadness, emptiness, anger...... I have never been feeling this intense pain since I left Jogja. I saw this coming. When he said that i was special and he loved me romantically, I knew that wasn't real. He didn't love me, he's just confused about his own feelings. That's why i told him i want to love him as a friend. I tried to control my own feeling because i love him so much but I failed. i had a hope that i was wrong and Steven was really in love with me.

But I was right. I was right about everything. He didn't love me. He locked eyes with this new girl and forget about me. if he really did love me, He would not feel anything towards this girl. If he did love me, he would text me as much as he used to. 

I am not mad at Steven. He did what i wanted, which is choosing someone better. I realize that I don't have much to offer. This girl must be pretty, fun to hang out with and more importantly, not depressed. who likes a whiny bitch? I am mad that it always happens to me. Getting closer with someone then being left alone. 

In our last text, He told me to have faith that i will find my love.  How can I believe in love if he, My only love, leaves me alone? I was broken. He made me feel loved and special then he left me. Now I am more broken that i was before I met him. I don't hate Steven but I am afraid to fall in love again. The pain is unbearable. 

I still miss him so much. I check my phone every time it rings only to find out that he doesn't text me. He doesn't care about me anymore. He doesn't care if I am dead or alive. I won't text him because I don't want to bother him. and i want him to want to text me.

I bet he's texting that girl now, showering her with compliments and telling her how special she is.

My life doesn't get better. 

Steven is like the sign from the universe that I will never be happy.

I really regret being alive

None of this would happen if I had killed myself last September.

I can't get hurt if I am dead, right?