I have given up on love

Hello everyone... how's life? 

It's been a long time since my last post. I was so busy with my thesis but i am glad that i finished it. The examiners gave me an A. I feel I don't deserve it at all. I know I should be grateful but I can't. Well, this is me. I will never be satisfied for any achievements. Enough about my stupid thesis. I wanna tell you how I have given up on love.

I felt love for the first time when i was in Junior High School. I fell in love with my friend's brother. he was a social butterfly. he was funny and very friendly. He was the first boy who actually wanted to hang out with me.  No boys wanted to talk or be friend with me before so I was really happy. Unfortunately, my mom did not like him. She was sure that he would be a bad influence for me because he dropped out of school. I lost him just like that.

Then, I met the second boy. No...not a boy but a man. My friend introduced me to him. He was in his twenties and I was fourteen. I gave him my number and we started texting. He said he loved me and I believed him. I was so happy. Finally I got a boyfriend. He wanted to meet me and I said yes. He picked me up by his motorcycle. During the ride, He put my hands around his waist so it's like i held him from behind. I was not sure whether i wanted to do it or not but i was quiet about it. He took me to a place that was so far from my house. The place was quiet.  we sat far away from people. Then he sexually assaulted me. He put me on his lap, touched my breasts, and kissed my lips. I was shocked and confused. I asked myself "is this normal? is this really okay?" No one ever told me about these things so I did not know what to do. 

At some point, i told him that we were just friend but he just laughed and put me back into his lap. He told me that he wanted to take me to a night club to have fun. Finally I got too scared and begged him to take me home. During the ride home, he pull my hand and put it on his cock (not directly, of course!!). I pull my hand back. After everything that happened to me, I decided to cut all communication with him. I never told anyone about this. My fourteen-year-old self thought that I would forget about this experience and move on with my life. I was wrong. That incident affects every part of my life like a virus. I did not realize that until I was twenty-three.

In senior high school, I met again with my first love. He was still nice and friendly. I realized that was still in love with him. He also said that he still liked me and wanted to go on a date with me. I thought that it was finally my chance to feel love and be loved. I was so excited and nervous. I chose my clothes carefully and put on a lipstick. Unfortunately, the date was not as good as I imagined. He said that my clothes made me look fat. He even looked at a girl and told me how beautiful she was. I went home feeling disappointed. After our date, He kept asking me to things for him like topping up his phone and making him a facebook account. He would be upset if I said no. I finally realized that he did not love me. He just wanted to use me to do things for him. 

After the last meeting with my first love, i did not have any relationships with boys. I met a lot of boys but I was not interested in them and neither were them. I was desperate for love. I did not want to be alone forever. I just wanted to love and be loved. My desperation lead me to the third man. I knew him from instagram and we agreed to go on a date. We watched a movie together. I was happy because i finally could experience a normal date. After our first date, I agreed to be his girlfriend even though I did not feel anything towards him. I know it was wrong but I was so desperate. I have been single for as long as i can remember. I wanted to know what it feels like to be in a relationship with a man. 

A few days after the first date, we texted each other. At first, everything was normal, but then he started saying how bad he wanted to kiss my lips. I have been sexually assaulted before so that kind of things made me scared. I said no but he kept asking for it. I had a bad feeling about this man but still agreed for the second date anyway. He picked me up by his motorcycle. During the ride, I put my hands around his waist.  I thought I would be happy but i wasn't. My mind kept playing the memory when I rode the motorcycle with that child predator.  I remembered how he kissed me without my consent and put my hand on his cock.  I tried so hard not to cry. we finally arrived at a mall and ate there. I was so grateful that my second date ended well.

Few days later, we went on the third date. Before we met, he texted me. He asked me to kiss him. I was so upset. I had told him so many times that i was not ready but he never listened. He kept asking for it. During our date, it was very clear that he tried to find the right position to kiss my lips. I tried to avoid that by turning my face away. My date ended without any kisses. I tried to text him the next morning but he did not reply. He completely ghosted me for almost three weeks. Then, he texted again like he didn't do anything wrong. I only read his message but never replied. He was such a jerk. I am sure the reason he ghosted me was because i didn't let him kiss me.

I end my story here. Actually I have more sad stories about men but I only tell you the ones that affect me the most. I ask myself many times why men never sincerely want to be close with me. They come to me only because they want to use me or have sex with me. Do I dress like a cheap prostitute? Am I so boring that they can only think of me as a sex doll? is there something wrong with me?

I am 25 years old now. I stop trying to find any romantic partners. What's the point?  I stopped falling in love since my first love let me down. I am sure I will never fall in love again. Besides, no men will love me.

I know what you're gonna say to me.

"You don't know the future. You will find the one"

Just shut up okay? Don't comfort me. Don't give me hope. I am already hurt. For me, love is something that is not created for me. I see it everywhere but I cannot have it. I just gonna accept the reality and try to move on with my life.

hello there...

How's everyone been doing? I hope you all have great day. I wrote my thesis all day, like usual. I feel tired because I keep writing but the writing is  not there yet. Do you think I am able to finish my thesis on time? well, I hope I will. I don't want to be a burden to my family.You know how much I hate it when people see me fail and pity me. 

everyone..

the truth is I am not motivated to do anything anymore. I can keep writing but my heart is not it. I am tired. so tired. have you ever feel like you want everything to stop. like the earth stop spinning... clock stops ticking...people stop moving. and we stay still. we don't think and feel anything. no one's happy but no one's hurt. don't you think it's easier to live like that?

Hello everyone....

I was analyzing character values on EFL textbook when I found this value : Honesty. Honesty means telling the truth about what we see, think and feel. In this unjust and cruel society, honesty is very important. By being honest, we can help people and they can help us too. Despite the importance of honesty, it is the hardest value to implement, at least for me. I am willing to tell the truth to save other people or to bring justice, but I find it very difficult to be honest about my own conditions. I am a depressed person. I always judge and hurt myself. I always think that I am worthless. Let me tell you all the thoughts I use to judge myself everyday.

When I was young, I was thirsty of love. I dated some boys but none of the dates ever worked out. I used to blame them, calling them jerks who only wanted me for sex. I have never found a man that I really love or love me back. I wondered why. Now, I realized may be it was not them who were at fault, maybe it was me. I was boring, and could not keep any conversation going.  Simply unattractive. I am corrupt, broken, useless piece of shit. I am weak and mentally ill. Who wants to know me? who wants to love me? no wonder I don't have many friends. No wonder no one visits me during Christmas. No wonder boys can't stand me. Did I mention I keep hurting people I know? I hurt my students, push away my family and friends. I am so pathetic that I watch porn to get myself excited , so I can have 20 minutes free from sadness. I want love and companionship but at the same time, I want to be left alone. When I am alone can't hurt anyone but myself.  I hate...I hate everything associated with myself. Sometimes I imagine myself holding hands with a man that loves me, having house somewhere and even kids. But will I ever be happy? does having family make me happy? what if I hurt them? LOL why does it matter? someone broken like me should be alone. I don't need to tell them who I really am, even when I lie people still do not desire me. I am going to be the one that everyone forgets and leaves behind. Let me suffer. Everyone needs to be happy and enjoy their lives. Everyone is better off without me.

You see? I am broken inside. I wonder why someone corrupt like me exists. All of these thoughts and feelings are painful. I want to be honest. If i am honest, may be people can help me. But what if telling my conditions hurt them instead? what will they do if they know I am depressed? will they pity my weakness and tell me to go to church? I hate it when people judge me and pity me. Maybe I should be quiet and accept everything. Like I said, let me suffer alone. This is my problem and I am going to be responsible for it.

Hello everyone!!

I come back here because I feel gloomy tonight. While I was writing about character education in EFL context, I suddenly remembered my friend, Ira. I found out this afternoon that she converted to Islam because she wanted to get married with a Muslim. I was shocked and now I am sad about it. I am an open-minded person. I am not sad because she converted other religion. I am sad that she might be forced to do it. Look, I know I am not close with her but I have seen some posts of her that showed her love to Jesus. She went to YHS church and posted photos of her enjoying her time there. I also saw her posts that showed she little bit annoyed with Islam. Now, she has to let go of her faith and principles to marry a Muslim that she loves. Does she really have to do that? Can't they just build a family with two different religions? How about her family? Do they accept her decision? Then, it hits me.

Happiness needs sacrifices

 There are two options for Ira. She can marry that man but sacrifices her religion and disappoints her family or she holds her principles and sacrifices her love to that man. And she chooses option number 1. She can now be happy with her man. 

Nothing is free in this world. Happiness, love, anything. Have you ever wondered how much we had sacrificed in order to be happy? I am sure all that sacrifices somehow involved someone getting hurt. can we be happy without hurting anyone? rarely. That's like how this world was created. it's like the system of life. we are created to compete, to hurt each other, to sacrifice something/someone very dear to us in exchange of our own happiness. and yet, people still love life, being grateful in every minute for all the happiness in their lives. Humans are selfish creatures. Now, what should I do after knowing this? should I accept it and sacrifice things too? I think I do. I just need to adapt to it. It's impossible to live without sacrificing but not all sacrifices we did were bad. there are sacrifices that make us sad and guilty but there are also the ones that make us and other people happy. for example: when you feed a hungry dog, you actually sacrifice the food you buy for the sake of the dog's happiness. if you don't feel angry and sad after feeding it, it means that you view your sacrifice as a good thing to do. it's called beautiful sacrifice. it is when you are happy sacrificing something for the happiness of others. it is the most selfless actions of humans. continue to make that kind of sacrifices. I am sure we all can be happy someday.

Dear everyone....

It's me again. Suddenly I feel  sudden urge to tell you all about this. it's one of the secrets that I have been keeping from everyone. I don't know how or when I can be open about this and tell my loved ones directly. I think I will keep this as secret forever. But I still want someone know about this. So, I will tell you, a stranger, one of my secrets.

"I was depressed and considered to kill myself"

As long as I can remember, I have always been a negative person. I never got my hopes up for almost everything. I was too afraid to hope because I knew what it felt like be disappointed. But I never stopped trying. I was ambitious. Failure scared me but I kept trying no matter what. I was hurt several times but I always got over it. In 2017, I moved to another city to pursue my master degree. I came to this city with my friend but we were not close at all. I spent most of my time alone in my room. 

Graduate school was difficult. There were too much assignments. I also had to deal with projects, presentations and examinations. I tried my hardest. I swear I did. I did not even sleep to finish all the assignments. but the deadlines were so close. I felt like I messed up all my papers. I hated failures. I was afraid that I would get low GPA and disappoint my parents. My mother made everything worse. She called me several times only to tell me to be the best. When I told her I got GPA of 3,8, she asked me why I didn't get GPA 4,00. My mom was disappointed. My heart was crushed. When she hung up the phone, I cried for hours. I was disappointed of myself. "why am I this stupid? why can't I do everything right? I am a failure, a big loser. There is no way I will succeed" I told myself that over and over again. 

I started feeling sad. All the time. Wherever I was, no matter what I did, I could not get away from this feeling. There was this voice in my head that kept telling me that I was nothing, a burden to my family and everyone around me. This voice appeared every second, every minute. It told me that I would be a failure in the future. Everything was so painful and overwhelming. I cried a lot. When my sadness felt too much, I wrote words on the floor to ease my pain. I wrote words like God, hope, Mom, dad, it's okay, etc. My friend saw the words when she came to my room. She asked about it and I casually said that I was stressed out. She laughed and left. I thought she did not think it was serious. I mean we were in grad school. Of course everyone would be stressed out. But did they really feel what I feel?

I was a christian. Shouldn't I pray to God? During this time I became sensitive. I wondered about everything. I asked things that my old self would be too scared to ask. "Does God exist?" If he does exist, how do we know that he is Jesus? from the bible? but who created the bible? why didn't they put any information such as date of publication or anything? what were they trying to hide? besides questioning about the existence of God, I started to have existential crisis. I thought my whole life had no meaning and purpose. I was just one of thousand of humans living on this earth and I did not matter at all.

I tried to deny all these thoughts. I failed. These thoughts mixed together with another voice that kept telling me that I was a failure. Those voices were like music played in a radio without "stop" button. I felt like I was going crazy.  Despite all my doubts of the existence of God, I got down on my knees and prayed. I begged Him to kill me. I did not care about heaven and hell. This life was a curse. No humans deserved the pain that I was feeling. I wanted to die. Every time I saw a tall building, I imagined my self jumping from the highest floor. Every time I saw a bottle of medicine, I wanted to take it as much as I could and overdosed. When I saw a razor, I wanted to cut my wrist and bleed to death. But I did not have the nerve to do it. I was a coward. so I just spent my time doing my papers  while listening to all the voices in my head. Can you imagine what it felt like? I was a prisoner of my own mind. I couldn't be more disappointed of myself. Whenever I went to sleep, I hoped someone came to my room and killed me. 

So, how am I doing now? I think I am okay now. I am still learning to control those voices. But I am feeling better. I feel sad sometimes but it is not as bad as those days. My depression has changed the way I view life and death. Before I was depressed, I had had fear of death. I wanted to live forever. Now, I can accept death. I even wish to die in my 30s . I think I have enough of this life. I am an agnostic now but still visit church once or twice a month. I did not know why. Maybe I miss the old  me that was willing to follow God without asking too much questions.

I know I am not the only one who feel this way. Depression is a scary thing. I feel sorry if any of you are suffering from it now.  I am not exactly a depression survivor so I don't know what to say to you. But, I do know that everything that happen to us is the inevitable part of our life. The future seems very dark but there is possibility that we will all be okay. Last year was the worst chapter of my life but now I am getting better. I am still a gloomy negative person but I am okay and you will too. I realize that those voices will always be in my head. We just need to be stronger. Let's fight those voices together. It does not matter whether we will win or lose. the most important thing is right now you try to fight.

That's all for today. I am glad I can share it with you all. I hope none of you ever feel the way I felt during my depression days. I wish you all a long happy life. Good night.