Dear everyone....

It's me again. Suddenly I feel  sudden urge to tell you all about this. it's one of the secrets that I have been keeping from everyone. I don't know how or when I can be open about this and tell my loved ones directly. I think I will keep this as secret forever. But I still want someone know about this. So, I will tell you, a stranger, one of my secrets.

"I was depressed and considered to kill myself"

As long as I can remember, I have always been a negative person. I never got my hopes up for almost everything. I was too afraid to hope because I knew what it felt like be disappointed. But I never stopped trying. I was ambitious. Failure scared me but I kept trying no matter what. I was hurt several times but I always got over it. In 2017, I moved to another city to pursue my master degree. I came to this city with my friend but we were not close at all. I spent most of my time alone in my room. 

Graduate school was difficult. There were too much assignments. I also had to deal with projects, presentations and examinations. I tried my hardest. I swear I did. I did not even sleep to finish all the assignments. but the deadlines were so close. I felt like I messed up all my papers. I hated failures. I was afraid that I would get low GPA and disappoint my parents. My mother made everything worse. She called me several times only to tell me to be the best. When I told her I got GPA of 3,8, she asked me why I didn't get GPA 4,00. My mom was disappointed. My heart was crushed. When she hung up the phone, I cried for hours. I was disappointed of myself. "why am I this stupid? why can't I do everything right? I am a failure, a big loser. There is no way I will succeed" I told myself that over and over again. 

I started feeling sad. All the time. Wherever I was, no matter what I did, I could not get away from this feeling. There was this voice in my head that kept telling me that I was nothing, a burden to my family and everyone around me. This voice appeared every second, every minute. It told me that I would be a failure in the future. Everything was so painful and overwhelming. I cried a lot. When my sadness felt too much, I wrote words on the floor to ease my pain. I wrote words like God, hope, Mom, dad, it's okay, etc. My friend saw the words when she came to my room. She asked about it and I casually said that I was stressed out. She laughed and left. I thought she did not think it was serious. I mean we were in grad school. Of course everyone would be stressed out. But did they really feel what I feel?

I was a christian. Shouldn't I pray to God? During this time I became sensitive. I wondered about everything. I asked things that my old self would be too scared to ask. "Does God exist?" If he does exist, how do we know that he is Jesus? from the bible? but who created the bible? why didn't they put any information such as date of publication or anything? what were they trying to hide? besides questioning about the existence of God, I started to have existential crisis. I thought my whole life had no meaning and purpose. I was just one of thousand of humans living on this earth and I did not matter at all.

I tried to deny all these thoughts. I failed. These thoughts mixed together with another voice that kept telling me that I was a failure. Those voices were like music played in a radio without "stop" button. I felt like I was going crazy.  Despite all my doubts of the existence of God, I got down on my knees and prayed. I begged Him to kill me. I did not care about heaven and hell. This life was a curse. No humans deserved the pain that I was feeling. I wanted to die. Every time I saw a tall building, I imagined my self jumping from the highest floor. Every time I saw a bottle of medicine, I wanted to take it as much as I could and overdosed. When I saw a razor, I wanted to cut my wrist and bleed to death. But I did not have the nerve to do it. I was a coward. so I just spent my time doing my papers  while listening to all the voices in my head. Can you imagine what it felt like? I was a prisoner of my own mind. I couldn't be more disappointed of myself. Whenever I went to sleep, I hoped someone came to my room and killed me. 

So, how am I doing now? I think I am okay now. I am still learning to control those voices. But I am feeling better. I feel sad sometimes but it is not as bad as those days. My depression has changed the way I view life and death. Before I was depressed, I had had fear of death. I wanted to live forever. Now, I can accept death. I even wish to die in my 30s . I think I have enough of this life. I am an agnostic now but still visit church once or twice a month. I did not know why. Maybe I miss the old  me that was willing to follow God without asking too much questions.

I know I am not the only one who feel this way. Depression is a scary thing. I feel sorry if any of you are suffering from it now.  I am not exactly a depression survivor so I don't know what to say to you. But, I do know that everything that happen to us is the inevitable part of our life. The future seems very dark but there is possibility that we will all be okay. Last year was the worst chapter of my life but now I am getting better. I am still a gloomy negative person but I am okay and you will too. I realize that those voices will always be in my head. We just need to be stronger. Let's fight those voices together. It does not matter whether we will win or lose. the most important thing is right now you try to fight.

That's all for today. I am glad I can share it with you all. I hope none of you ever feel the way I felt during my depression days. I wish you all a long happy life. Good night.