I have given up on love

Hello everyone... how's life? 

It's been a long time since my last post. I was so busy with my thesis but i am glad that i finished it. The examiners gave me an A. I feel I don't deserve it at all. I know I should be grateful but I can't. Well, this is me. I will never be satisfied for any achievements. Enough about my stupid thesis. I wanna tell you how I have given up on love.

I felt love for the first time when i was in Junior High School. I fell in love with my friend's brother. he was a social butterfly. he was funny and very friendly. He was the first boy who actually wanted to hang out with me.  No boys wanted to talk or be friend with me before so I was really happy. Unfortunately, my mom did not like him. She was sure that he would be a bad influence for me because he dropped out of school. I lost him just like that.

Then, I met the second boy. No...not a boy but a man. My friend introduced me to him. He was in his twenties and I was fourteen. I gave him my number and we started texting. He said he loved me and I believed him. I was so happy. Finally I got a boyfriend. He wanted to meet me and I said yes. He picked me up by his motorcycle. During the ride, He put my hands around his waist so it's like i held him from behind. I was not sure whether i wanted to do it or not but i was quiet about it. He took me to a place that was so far from my house. The place was quiet.  we sat far away from people. Then he sexually assaulted me. He put me on his lap, touched my breasts, and kissed my lips. I was shocked and confused. I asked myself "is this normal? is this really okay?" No one ever told me about these things so I did not know what to do. 

At some point, i told him that we were just friend but he just laughed and put me back into his lap. He told me that he wanted to take me to a night club to have fun. Finally I got too scared and begged him to take me home. During the ride home, he pull my hand and put it on his cock (not directly, of course!!). I pull my hand back. After everything that happened to me, I decided to cut all communication with him. I never told anyone about this. My fourteen-year-old self thought that I would forget about this experience and move on with my life. I was wrong. That incident affects every part of my life like a virus. I did not realize that until I was twenty-three.

In senior high school, I met again with my first love. He was still nice and friendly. I realized that was still in love with him. He also said that he still liked me and wanted to go on a date with me. I thought that it was finally my chance to feel love and be loved. I was so excited and nervous. I chose my clothes carefully and put on a lipstick. Unfortunately, the date was not as good as I imagined. He said that my clothes made me look fat. He even looked at a girl and told me how beautiful she was. I went home feeling disappointed. After our date, He kept asking me to things for him like topping up his phone and making him a facebook account. He would be upset if I said no. I finally realized that he did not love me. He just wanted to use me to do things for him. 

After the last meeting with my first love, i did not have any relationships with boys. I met a lot of boys but I was not interested in them and neither were them. I was desperate for love. I did not want to be alone forever. I just wanted to love and be loved. My desperation lead me to the third man. I knew him from instagram and we agreed to go on a date. We watched a movie together. I was happy because i finally could experience a normal date. After our first date, I agreed to be his girlfriend even though I did not feel anything towards him. I know it was wrong but I was so desperate. I have been single for as long as i can remember. I wanted to know what it feels like to be in a relationship with a man. 

A few days after the first date, we texted each other. At first, everything was normal, but then he started saying how bad he wanted to kiss my lips. I have been sexually assaulted before so that kind of things made me scared. I said no but he kept asking for it. I had a bad feeling about this man but still agreed for the second date anyway. He picked me up by his motorcycle. During the ride, I put my hands around his waist.  I thought I would be happy but i wasn't. My mind kept playing the memory when I rode the motorcycle with that child predator.  I remembered how he kissed me without my consent and put my hand on his cock.  I tried so hard not to cry. we finally arrived at a mall and ate there. I was so grateful that my second date ended well.

Few days later, we went on the third date. Before we met, he texted me. He asked me to kiss him. I was so upset. I had told him so many times that i was not ready but he never listened. He kept asking for it. During our date, it was very clear that he tried to find the right position to kiss my lips. I tried to avoid that by turning my face away. My date ended without any kisses. I tried to text him the next morning but he did not reply. He completely ghosted me for almost three weeks. Then, he texted again like he didn't do anything wrong. I only read his message but never replied. He was such a jerk. I am sure the reason he ghosted me was because i didn't let him kiss me.

I end my story here. Actually I have more sad stories about men but I only tell you the ones that affect me the most. I ask myself many times why men never sincerely want to be close with me. They come to me only because they want to use me or have sex with me. Do I dress like a cheap prostitute? Am I so boring that they can only think of me as a sex doll? is there something wrong with me?

I am 25 years old now. I stop trying to find any romantic partners. What's the point?  I stopped falling in love since my first love let me down. I am sure I will never fall in love again. Besides, no men will love me.

I know what you're gonna say to me.

"You don't know the future. You will find the one"

Just shut up okay? Don't comfort me. Don't give me hope. I am already hurt. For me, love is something that is not created for me. I see it everywhere but I cannot have it. I just gonna accept the reality and try to move on with my life.