Hello everyone...

It's been a long time since I wrote here. I don't want to share a long post here. I just want to give you an update on my condition. I am physically okay. Mentally? not so much. I am still the same person that you knew two years ago. I still think that I am a failure. I still hate myself. I just don't cry as much as I did two years ago. I am quite tired of crying. It does not solve any of my problems. 

I finished my thesis and moved back to my hometown. I live with my parents now. There is a pandemic in my country now so I can't get out of my home easily and find a job. I spend my time studying for SKB test. If I pass it, I will become a civil servant. Despite doubting my skills, I'm still gonna try my best.

My friends...

I am lonely

I feel so empty

I am ashamed to admit this. I want to love and feel loved. I want someone in my life. A man. It is very hard for me to admit this. I usually put a smile on my face and say that i don't need a man to be happy when people tease me about romantic relationship. I feel dead inside when I lie like that. I am afraid I am unable to love again after everything I've been through. I am afraid I am not good enough. I probably gonna live alone for the rest of my life. 

I hate everything. I really hate my life. 

Honestly, I can't take it anymore

is it easier if I just disappear?

I want all the pain and loneliness stop

I am tired of hating myself

god I am so tired