Hello everyone....

I was analyzing character values on EFL textbook when I found this value : Honesty. Honesty means telling the truth about what we see, think and feel. In this unjust and cruel society, honesty is very important. By being honest, we can help people and they can help us too. Despite the importance of honesty, it is the hardest value to implement, at least for me. I am willing to tell the truth to save other people or to bring justice, but I find it very difficult to be honest about my own conditions. I am a depressed person. I always judge and hurt myself. I always think that I am worthless. Let me tell you all the thoughts I use to judge myself everyday.

When I was young, I was thirsty of love. I dated some boys but none of the dates ever worked out. I used to blame them, calling them jerks who only wanted me for sex. I have never found a man that I really love or love me back. I wondered why. Now, I realized may be it was not them who were at fault, maybe it was me. I was boring, and could not keep any conversation going.  Simply unattractive. I am corrupt, broken, useless piece of shit. I am weak and mentally ill. Who wants to know me? who wants to love me? no wonder I don't have many friends. No wonder no one visits me during Christmas. No wonder boys can't stand me. Did I mention I keep hurting people I know? I hurt my students, push away my family and friends. I am so pathetic that I watch porn to get myself excited , so I can have 20 minutes free from sadness. I want love and companionship but at the same time, I want to be left alone. When I am alone can't hurt anyone but myself.  I hate...I hate everything associated with myself. Sometimes I imagine myself holding hands with a man that loves me, having house somewhere and even kids. But will I ever be happy? does having family make me happy? what if I hurt them? LOL why does it matter? someone broken like me should be alone. I don't need to tell them who I really am, even when I lie people still do not desire me. I am going to be the one that everyone forgets and leaves behind. Let me suffer. Everyone needs to be happy and enjoy their lives. Everyone is better off without me.

You see? I am broken inside. I wonder why someone corrupt like me exists. All of these thoughts and feelings are painful. I want to be honest. If i am honest, may be people can help me. But what if telling my conditions hurt them instead? what will they do if they know I am depressed? will they pity my weakness and tell me to go to church? I hate it when people judge me and pity me. Maybe I should be quiet and accept everything. Like I said, let me suffer alone. This is my problem and I am going to be responsible for it.