i'm here again in 2022.

I have a lit of stories to tell but I'm too busy rn

i just want to thank myself for working hard today.

Jangan Lupa Bahagia

 It's been a long time.....

How's it going? I've been feeling low these past few days. I don't understand. I was feeling a lot better few weeks ago. now I'm feeling sad again. it's still the same fucking thing again. I miss being in love. I want to be attracted to a guy. i wanna kiss his lips and make out for hours. i want him to touch gently and fuck me with so much love. 

yeah yeah yeah i know being in relationship isn't the answer. but i can't help it. it's so fucking hard to fight this feeling. i wanna be like seneca or other philosophers who live alone but still happy. i need some help.

 I've been listening to people my whole life. I'm afraid of the future.  I want to have good relationship with everyone so they can help me when i need them in the future. Smart strategy, but it often results in toxic relationship. I force myself to be friends with people that i don't like just because I don't think I'm strong enough to fight on my own. Sometimes i forget what real friendship is like because i take too much bullshit from everyone.

I've just realized this now. I've spent 26 years of my life trying to fit in. People say that you're successful when you have a good job that pays for all your daily needs, so I decided to get a job that most people desire, a public service. I was delighted. My workplace is in remote village without internet and electricity. Then, people comment that it's good that i've become a public service but I shouldn't have applied for a job in remote village. I have a master's degree so i should have worked in big city. The happiness that i feel for becoming a public service disappears. I feel like a failure because people think that I am. I get jealous when i see people work in big cities. i feel so insecure that i avoid mentioning that i have master's degree. I hate my life because i'm not successful.

I opened reddit and I realized that there are things that i have to achieve to be successful. I have to get married and have kids. Then the kids must grow up to be successful adults so people can see that I am a successful parent. This stresses me out. I've never been in a real relationship. I'm afraid that i won't get married and people will think i'm a failure. I hate my life and i wanna die.

I always care about what people think of me. I never really care about me. I never appreciate what i already achieved. I treat myself like shit because i can't fulfill the society's expectations of me. who's the society? they are a bunch of people who don't know me and don't give a shit about my struggle. why do i listen to them? why do i let them control me? who are they to tell me how to live my life? 

                                                                     

                                                            FREEDOM

I want to be free. I don't want to keep listening to them. I want to break free from their control. I've made a decision. I won't run away anymore. Loneliness is something that i'm always afraid of because people tell me that if i don't get married, i'll become miserable and lonely. I'm going to face the loneliness. i'm gonna stare it in the eyes and fight it. I'm gonna live by myself. my only priority is make myself happy. this is the only way i can break free from their control. I don't need anyone to feel complete. I'm already complete. I'm already enough.

 I regret choices that i made.

I wanna teach in university. it's always been my dream. but chose a life time job as a junior high school teacher instead. 

I wanna live in a big city. but i'm here stuck in a small boring town.

I wanna live alone far away from my parents but i'm here living six feet away from them.

I should have killed myself last year but i stayed for some guy i met on the internet who eventually hurts me. 

Hi everyone...it's been few weeks since my last post. Last month i told Steven about all my feelings. I told him how disappointed i was when he stopped texting me. I know it wasn't a good time because his gf has just dumped his ass but i couldn't take it anymore. I needed to tell him in order to move on. He was so angry and told me leave him alone. We agreed not to talk to each other anymore. I felt great sense of relief. It felt like a heavy burden lifted off my shoulders. He became less and less important to me since then. i still check his profile on reddit once or twice in two weeks but I don't have any feelings towards him anymore. He can go fuck himself. 

I have two online friends now. Gee and Eric. my friendship with Gee is healthy and pure. He only think of me as his bsf and so do i. Gee is kind and patient. Too bad his gf sucks. he told her about his depression and she accussed him of being an attention seeker. what a bitch. Gee deserves so much better. 

Eric is a sweet guy. I think i'm the first girl that gives him so much attention. He texts me everyday cuz he is lonely. I wish he knew how smart and sweet he is. He just need to have more confidence. Few days ago i checked his profile and found a post about me. he asked people for advice because he thinks that he has feelings for me. Tbh, this is what i'm afraid of. somehow i feel like this is my fault. let's just hope that he meets a girl irl and forget his feelings towards me.

I'm turning 27 this year and i'm still single. loveless. I'm just empty shell of a woman.

 I am ready to let go all my feelings . I think about my relationship with him. Everything that we did and didn't do for each other . I appreciate his effort to help me and I am proud of myself for keeping him company. I mean I really tried so hard to be his friend while fighting my own demon. 

After everything that happened, i come to a conclusion that he doesn't love me as much as i thought he did. i don't believe that you can forget someone that you love only in one and a half weeks hanging out with another girl. Love is only chemicals in your brain but it doesn't go that easily if it's real. And his saying that the girl is the nicest one he met will forever be a scar in my heart. He confirmed my insecurity of not being good enough.

I am forever thankful for the friendship. I wish it could last longer than five months but it seems like it's not possible. Whatever we had is already gone. I do wish my heart was stronger enough to fix the broken friendship tho.

I am ready to let everything go.

 I still talk to Steven. It's only small talks. You know just "hey, how are you? I am okay, thanks" kind of conversation. I don't talk to him everyday. Maybe just twice or three times a week. He uploaded a video of him and his girlfriend. They were laughing and cuddling. The video was black and white but looked colorful to me. It's like watching a movie that I can't relate to. All my life I never cuddled with someone. and their laugh...it was full of love. At that moment i realized that they live in a very different world from mine. 

I also realized that my rejection was a blessing for him. If i had not rejected him, he wouldn't date her. He wouldn't be happy like he is now. He wouldn't have the chance to laugh or cuddle. Once again, I was right about everything. I think i have done the right thing but why am i so unhappy? It's getting harder to breathe. I feel like i am getting closer to the edge. 

I don't want to exist anymore. I will def leave this world.