Book I read: Fox 8 by George Saunders

 Hello...

It's been a weeks since I posted here. I quit my teaching job because I passed the civil servant exam. I am happy because finally I am gonna have my own place and live the way I want. but I am a little bumped out because they gonna put me in a isolated village with rivers, woods and a bunch of hilly billies. The village has bad receptions so youtube and reddit will be out of my life. TV is only for night time because of regular blackouts during day time. My life will be rough because no internet means no distractions from voices in my head. my inferiority complex is getting worse because i have a master's degree but end up being a junior high school teacher in an isolated village while most my friends become lecturers in big cities. in my head, they look at me and laugh. 

hey...... sorry i forgot why i am here in the first place. i am not here to vent. i just want to tell you about the novel that i read "Fox 8". It is a very good novel about a fox who learn the "Yuman" language and his point of views about "Yuman". There is one phrase that caught my attention from the novel. 

"if you want your stories to end happy, try being nicer" - fox 8

I can relate to what the fox says. I always want to a happy life where I can enjoy everything. but i cant  have such life because i always hate myself. The way i talk to myself is so mean and rude. I can comfort people, talk to them so polite and sweet but I never did that to myself. I treat myself like a garbage. that's why i am always sad and suicidal. I want to treat myself the way i treat people. i want to be nice and kind. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. I want to change now.

i think that's all i want to say. i am gonna read another novel "metamorphosis". i am gonna tell about it later. see you. 

 Hey......

I haven't written anything for months. A lot of things happened. I graduated from college with cumlaude. I moved back to my hometown. I got a job in a small English course. The payment sucks but i am glad that i am not jobless.

I am not gonna be a lecturer. I passed CPNS test as a teacher. I'll teach Junior high school students in a very small village. My mom is disappointed af. She always wants me to become an English lecturer. I disappoint her again. 

I met a guy online. He is the sweetest guy I've ever met. I tried to leave him because I didn't wanna feel too attached to him. He begged me not to go. He said it's okay to get too attached to him because he would never leave me. He didn't understand. I am afraid that I fall in love with him. I begin to like him so much. I know there's no chance for me because he is in love with someone else and we live in different countries. 

i know it's stupid. how can I fall in love with someone I met online? I've always been alone. No men cared about me so when there's a man who cares a little, I fall in love immediately. 

This feeling is torturing me. I am glad i met him but i also feel like i wanna die every time he talks about his girl. 

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha

i am really cursed, aren't I? God must hate me so much

Hello everyone...

It's been a long time since I wrote here. I don't want to share a long post here. I just want to give you an update on my condition. I am physically okay. Mentally? not so much. I am still the same person that you knew two years ago. I still think that I am a failure. I still hate myself. I just don't cry as much as I did two years ago. I am quite tired of crying. It does not solve any of my problems. 

I finished my thesis and moved back to my hometown. I live with my parents now. There is a pandemic in my country now so I can't get out of my home easily and find a job. I spend my time studying for SKB test. If I pass it, I will become a civil servant. Despite doubting my skills, I'm still gonna try my best.

My friends...

I am lonely

I feel so empty

I am ashamed to admit this. I want to love and feel loved. I want someone in my life. A man. It is very hard for me to admit this. I usually put a smile on my face and say that i don't need a man to be happy when people tease me about romantic relationship. I feel dead inside when I lie like that. I am afraid I am unable to love again after everything I've been through. I am afraid I am not good enough. I probably gonna live alone for the rest of my life. 

I hate everything. I really hate my life. 

Honestly, I can't take it anymore

is it easier if I just disappear?

I want all the pain and loneliness stop

I am tired of hating myself

god I am so tired