Hello everyone!!

I come back here because I feel gloomy tonight. While I was writing about character education in EFL context, I suddenly remembered my friend, Ira. I found out this afternoon that she converted to Islam because she wanted to get married with a Muslim. I was shocked and now I am sad about it. I am an open-minded person. I am not sad because she converted other religion. I am sad that she might be forced to do it. Look, I know I am not close with her but I have seen some posts of her that showed her love to Jesus. She went to YHS church and posted photos of her enjoying her time there. I also saw her posts that showed she little bit annoyed with Islam. Now, she has to let go of her faith and principles to marry a Muslim that she loves. Does she really have to do that? Can't they just build a family with two different religions? How about her family? Do they accept her decision? Then, it hits me.

Happiness needs sacrifices

 There are two options for Ira. She can marry that man but sacrifices her religion and disappoints her family or she holds her principles and sacrifices her love to that man. And she chooses option number 1. She can now be happy with her man. 

Nothing is free in this world. Happiness, love, anything. Have you ever wondered how much we had sacrificed in order to be happy? I am sure all that sacrifices somehow involved someone getting hurt. can we be happy without hurting anyone? rarely. That's like how this world was created. it's like the system of life. we are created to compete, to hurt each other, to sacrifice something/someone very dear to us in exchange of our own happiness. and yet, people still love life, being grateful in every minute for all the happiness in their lives. Humans are selfish creatures. Now, what should I do after knowing this? should I accept it and sacrifice things too? I think I do. I just need to adapt to it. It's impossible to live without sacrificing but not all sacrifices we did were bad. there are sacrifices that make us sad and guilty but there are also the ones that make us and other people happy. for example: when you feed a hungry dog, you actually sacrifice the food you buy for the sake of the dog's happiness. if you don't feel angry and sad after feeding it, it means that you view your sacrifice as a good thing to do. it's called beautiful sacrifice. it is when you are happy sacrificing something for the happiness of others. it is the most selfless actions of humans. continue to make that kind of sacrifices. I am sure we all can be happy someday.

Dear everyone....

It's me again. Suddenly I feel  sudden urge to tell you all about this. it's one of the secrets that I have been keeping from everyone. I don't know how or when I can be open about this and tell my loved ones directly. I think I will keep this as secret forever. But I still want someone know about this. So, I will tell you, a stranger, one of my secrets.

"I was depressed and considered to kill myself"

As long as I can remember, I have always been a negative person. I never got my hopes up for almost everything. I was too afraid to hope because I knew what it felt like be disappointed. But I never stopped trying. I was ambitious. Failure scared me but I kept trying no matter what. I was hurt several times but I always got over it. In 2017, I moved to another city to pursue my master degree. I came to this city with my friend but we were not close at all. I spent most of my time alone in my room. 

Graduate school was difficult. There were too much assignments. I also had to deal with projects, presentations and examinations. I tried my hardest. I swear I did. I did not even sleep to finish all the assignments. but the deadlines were so close. I felt like I messed up all my papers. I hated failures. I was afraid that I would get low GPA and disappoint my parents. My mother made everything worse. She called me several times only to tell me to be the best. When I told her I got GPA of 3,8, she asked me why I didn't get GPA 4,00. My mom was disappointed. My heart was crushed. When she hung up the phone, I cried for hours. I was disappointed of myself. "why am I this stupid? why can't I do everything right? I am a failure, a big loser. There is no way I will succeed" I told myself that over and over again. 

I started feeling sad. All the time. Wherever I was, no matter what I did, I could not get away from this feeling. There was this voice in my head that kept telling me that I was nothing, a burden to my family and everyone around me. This voice appeared every second, every minute. It told me that I would be a failure in the future. Everything was so painful and overwhelming. I cried a lot. When my sadness felt too much, I wrote words on the floor to ease my pain. I wrote words like God, hope, Mom, dad, it's okay, etc. My friend saw the words when she came to my room. She asked about it and I casually said that I was stressed out. She laughed and left. I thought she did not think it was serious. I mean we were in grad school. Of course everyone would be stressed out. But did they really feel what I feel?

I was a christian. Shouldn't I pray to God? During this time I became sensitive. I wondered about everything. I asked things that my old self would be too scared to ask. "Does God exist?" If he does exist, how do we know that he is Jesus? from the bible? but who created the bible? why didn't they put any information such as date of publication or anything? what were they trying to hide? besides questioning about the existence of God, I started to have existential crisis. I thought my whole life had no meaning and purpose. I was just one of thousand of humans living on this earth and I did not matter at all.

I tried to deny all these thoughts. I failed. These thoughts mixed together with another voice that kept telling me that I was a failure. Those voices were like music played in a radio without "stop" button. I felt like I was going crazy.  Despite all my doubts of the existence of God, I got down on my knees and prayed. I begged Him to kill me. I did not care about heaven and hell. This life was a curse. No humans deserved the pain that I was feeling. I wanted to die. Every time I saw a tall building, I imagined my self jumping from the highest floor. Every time I saw a bottle of medicine, I wanted to take it as much as I could and overdosed. When I saw a razor, I wanted to cut my wrist and bleed to death. But I did not have the nerve to do it. I was a coward. so I just spent my time doing my papers  while listening to all the voices in my head. Can you imagine what it felt like? I was a prisoner of my own mind. I couldn't be more disappointed of myself. Whenever I went to sleep, I hoped someone came to my room and killed me. 

So, how am I doing now? I think I am okay now. I am still learning to control those voices. But I am feeling better. I feel sad sometimes but it is not as bad as those days. My depression has changed the way I view life and death. Before I was depressed, I had had fear of death. I wanted to live forever. Now, I can accept death. I even wish to die in my 30s . I think I have enough of this life. I am an agnostic now but still visit church once or twice a month. I did not know why. Maybe I miss the old  me that was willing to follow God without asking too much questions.

I know I am not the only one who feel this way. Depression is a scary thing. I feel sorry if any of you are suffering from it now.  I am not exactly a depression survivor so I don't know what to say to you. But, I do know that everything that happen to us is the inevitable part of our life. The future seems very dark but there is possibility that we will all be okay. Last year was the worst chapter of my life but now I am getting better. I am still a gloomy negative person but I am okay and you will too. I realize that those voices will always be in my head. We just need to be stronger. Let's fight those voices together. It does not matter whether we will win or lose. the most important thing is right now you try to fight.

That's all for today. I am glad I can share it with you all. I hope none of you ever feel the way I felt during my depression days. I wish you all a long happy life. Good night.