Help me...

Please help me...

I feel like I'm trapped in a deep dark hole and unable to get out. i'm really struggling. Depression comes back. It's really back and i''m alone again. Do I have to fight alone? I know it's my battle and i'm my own savior but it's so lonely when nobody understands my struggle. I'm tired of pretending that I'm fine. I am not okay. I am hurt. I am insecure about everything. I hate my life and I am sick of this world. 

I don't wanna die but sometimes i think that maybe death is better option than fighting myself all the time. I am tired of fighting alone...this is a very lonely battle. How long do i have to suffer?

I wish i was dead 

 I feel trapped.....

This is not the life that i have been dreaming of. I hate being a teacher. I hate my school and coworkers. I hate myself more for chossing this job. Emeral got accepted as a full time lecturer in UNPAR. i can't stop thinking that it could have been me. i want to quit. i really really want to quit ut i will disappoint my parets if i do that. i feel trapped and regretful. i wanna run away but i don't know where. am I gonna be like this for the rest of my life? 

 Hey hari ini aku boleh playing victim ga?

Aku ga mau pulang

ga mau pulang sama sekali

ga mau ketemu sama orang tua

Aku cape batin tadi habis kelahi sama  papah

Papah tu mulutnya kasar

sedikit sedikit ngebentak

sedikit sedikit ngancam mau nampar nempeleng

Karena dia aku jadi benci laki laki

Laki laki tuh kasar

kalau teriak suaranya nyaring

aku sealu gemetar mendengarnya.

Aku ga mau nikah karena menurutku 

semua laki laki kasar seperti papah

Sayang sekali padahal papah lagaknya religius

Aktif di gereja tiap hari dengar khotbah

tapi mulutnya kaya binatang

heran deh...

Aku cape kerja jadi guru

cape batin bukan cape fisik

cape karena kerja di desa yang 

penduduknya mesum dan ga beretika

cape karena kerja bersama orang 

yang emosional dan ga dewasa

cape karena aku terus terusan marah

pada diri sendiri

mimpiku adalah jadi dosen

tapi gobloknya aku malah jadi guru

goblok goblok goblok goblok

bodoh bodoh bodoh bodoh

Aku ga mau tinggal di keluarga ini

Aku ga mau kerjaan ini

sumpah cape banget

Apakah hari esok akan jadi lebih baik?

Apakah malam ini akan berakhir?

Aku pengen pergi aja.......

 i'm here again in 2022.

I have a lit of stories to tell but I'm too busy rn

i just want to thank myself for working hard today.

Jangan Lupa Bahagia