Help me...

Please help me...

I feel like I'm trapped in a deep dark hole and unable to get out. i'm really struggling. Depression comes back. It's really back and i''m alone again. Do I have to fight alone? I know it's my battle and i'm my own savior but it's so lonely when nobody understands my struggle. I'm tired of pretending that I'm fine. I am not okay. I am hurt. I am insecure about everything. I hate my life and I am sick of this world. 

I don't wanna die but sometimes i think that maybe death is better option than fighting myself all the time. I am tired of fighting alone...this is a very lonely battle. How long do i have to suffer?

I wish i was dead 

 I feel trapped.....

This is not the life that i have been dreaming of. I hate being a teacher. I hate my school and coworkers. I hate myself more for chossing this job. Emeral got accepted as a full time lecturer in UNPAR. i can't stop thinking that it could have been me. i want to quit. i really really want to quit ut i will disappoint my parets if i do that. i feel trapped and regretful. i wanna run away but i don't know where. am I gonna be like this for the rest of my life? 

 Hey hari ini aku boleh playing victim ga?

Aku ga mau pulang

ga mau pulang sama sekali

ga mau ketemu sama orang tua

Aku cape batin tadi habis kelahi sama  papah

Papah tu mulutnya kasar

sedikit sedikit ngebentak

sedikit sedikit ngancam mau nampar nempeleng

Karena dia aku jadi benci laki laki

Laki laki tuh kasar

kalau teriak suaranya nyaring

aku sealu gemetar mendengarnya.

Aku ga mau nikah karena menurutku 

semua laki laki kasar seperti papah

Sayang sekali padahal papah lagaknya religius

Aktif di gereja tiap hari dengar khotbah

tapi mulutnya kaya binatang

heran deh...

Aku cape kerja jadi guru

cape batin bukan cape fisik

cape karena kerja di desa yang 

penduduknya mesum dan ga beretika

cape karena kerja bersama orang 

yang emosional dan ga dewasa

cape karena aku terus terusan marah

pada diri sendiri

mimpiku adalah jadi dosen

tapi gobloknya aku malah jadi guru

goblok goblok goblok goblok

bodoh bodoh bodoh bodoh

Aku ga mau tinggal di keluarga ini

Aku ga mau kerjaan ini

sumpah cape banget

Apakah hari esok akan jadi lebih baik?

Apakah malam ini akan berakhir?

Aku pengen pergi aja.......

 i'm here again in 2022.

I have a lit of stories to tell but I'm too busy rn

i just want to thank myself for working hard today.

Jangan Lupa Bahagia

 It's been a long time.....

How's it going? I've been feeling low these past few days. I don't understand. I was feeling a lot better few weeks ago. now I'm feeling sad again. it's still the same fucking thing again. I miss being in love. I want to be attracted to a guy. i wanna kiss his lips and make out for hours. i want him to touch gently and fuck me with so much love. 

yeah yeah yeah i know being in relationship isn't the answer. but i can't help it. it's so fucking hard to fight this feeling. i wanna be like seneca or other philosophers who live alone but still happy. i need some help.

 I've been listening to people my whole life. I'm afraid of the future.  I want to have good relationship with everyone so they can help me when i need them in the future. Smart strategy, but it often results in toxic relationship. I force myself to be friends with people that i don't like just because I don't think I'm strong enough to fight on my own. Sometimes i forget what real friendship is like because i take too much bullshit from everyone.

I've just realized this now. I've spent 26 years of my life trying to fit in. People say that you're successful when you have a good job that pays for all your daily needs, so I decided to get a job that most people desire, a public service. I was delighted. My workplace is in remote village without internet and electricity. Then, people comment that it's good that i've become a public service but I shouldn't have applied for a job in remote village. I have a master's degree so i should have worked in big city. The happiness that i feel for becoming a public service disappears. I feel like a failure because people think that I am. I get jealous when i see people work in big cities. i feel so insecure that i avoid mentioning that i have master's degree. I hate my life because i'm not successful.

I opened reddit and I realized that there are things that i have to achieve to be successful. I have to get married and have kids. Then the kids must grow up to be successful adults so people can see that I am a successful parent. This stresses me out. I've never been in a real relationship. I'm afraid that i won't get married and people will think i'm a failure. I hate my life and i wanna die.

I always care about what people think of me. I never really care about me. I never appreciate what i already achieved. I treat myself like shit because i can't fulfill the society's expectations of me. who's the society? they are a bunch of people who don't know me and don't give a shit about my struggle. why do i listen to them? why do i let them control me? who are they to tell me how to live my life? 

                                                                     

                                                            FREEDOM

I want to be free. I don't want to keep listening to them. I want to break free from their control. I've made a decision. I won't run away anymore. Loneliness is something that i'm always afraid of because people tell me that if i don't get married, i'll become miserable and lonely. I'm going to face the loneliness. i'm gonna stare it in the eyes and fight it. I'm gonna live by myself. my only priority is make myself happy. this is the only way i can break free from their control. I don't need anyone to feel complete. I'm already complete. I'm already enough.

 I regret choices that i made.

I wanna teach in university. it's always been my dream. but chose a life time job as a junior high school teacher instead. 

I wanna live in a big city. but i'm here stuck in a small boring town.

I wanna live alone far away from my parents but i'm here living six feet away from them.

I should have killed myself last year but i stayed for some guy i met on the internet who eventually hurts me.