I've been listening to people my whole life. I'm afraid of the future.  I want to have good relationship with everyone so they can help me when i need them in the future. Smart strategy, but it often results in toxic relationship. I force myself to be friends with people that i don't like just because I don't think I'm strong enough to fight on my own. Sometimes i forget what real friendship is like because i take too much bullshit from everyone.

I've just realized this now. I've spent 26 years of my life trying to fit in. People say that you're successful when you have a good job that pays for all your daily needs, so I decided to get a job that most people desire, a public service. I was delighted. My workplace is in remote village without internet and electricity. Then, people comment that it's good that i've become a public service but I shouldn't have applied for a job in remote village. I have a master's degree so i should have worked in big city. The happiness that i feel for becoming a public service disappears. I feel like a failure because people think that I am. I get jealous when i see people work in big cities. i feel so insecure that i avoid mentioning that i have master's degree. I hate my life because i'm not successful.

I opened reddit and I realized that there are things that i have to achieve to be successful. I have to get married and have kids. Then the kids must grow up to be successful adults so people can see that I am a successful parent. This stresses me out. I've never been in a real relationship. I'm afraid that i won't get married and people will think i'm a failure. I hate my life and i wanna die.

I always care about what people think of me. I never really care about me. I never appreciate what i already achieved. I treat myself like shit because i can't fulfill the society's expectations of me. who's the society? they are a bunch of people who don't know me and don't give a shit about my struggle. why do i listen to them? why do i let them control me? who are they to tell me how to live my life? 

                                                                     

                                                            FREEDOM

I want to be free. I don't want to keep listening to them. I want to break free from their control. I've made a decision. I won't run away anymore. Loneliness is something that i'm always afraid of because people tell me that if i don't get married, i'll become miserable and lonely. I'm going to face the loneliness. i'm gonna stare it in the eyes and fight it. I'm gonna live by myself. my only priority is make myself happy. this is the only way i can break free from their control. I don't need anyone to feel complete. I'm already complete. I'm already enough.